I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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