hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
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