never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Is Oprah even human
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
