i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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