Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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