The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
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He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
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There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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