I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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