i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
