the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
