You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
25 Of The Most Cringeworthy Internet Stalking Fails
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?