I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving