Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.