You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
