Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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