Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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