You smell like stripper and shame
is wine microwaveable?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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