dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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