I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
