I hate all girls vehemently.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Randomize
