my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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