i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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