Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
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Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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