No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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