Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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