I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
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