Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
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