i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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