i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
