well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
