well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Randomize
