I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
