so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
