I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
