i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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