i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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