ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
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Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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