Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
