please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
