ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
