Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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