I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
