I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
