I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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