for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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