I'm eating all of the evidence.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
