no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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