my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Randomize
