wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
