No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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