I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
