don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
