It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
