She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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