Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
