Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
