ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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