Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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