You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
