i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
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PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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