Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
